I.Cant.Believe.I.Never.Realized...

I can't believe I never realized
How much he truly loves me...
Everyday without fail he is up before I wake
Lovingly watching me sleep...

And when I finally get out of bed
He is there waiting to help me on my way
Even when I don't have time to greet him
He still continues loving me anyway

I don't understand how he never gets tired
Because I call him all the time
And no matter how busy he could be
He is always ready to hear whats on my mind

And when I am working or going about my day
He sends me small reminders without cease
Just to make sure that I am certain of his love
So, that I can function not in stress but in peace

I can barely seem to fathom
How he can continue to patiently wait
When I've been too busy to even pause
To tell him that I loved him at all today

And regardless of mistakes in my past
He never stops seeing the best in me
Even at my worst and in my darkest hour
He still continues to invest in me

I can't bring myself to grasp
How sometimes I put him on trial
Even after days of not talking
He still manages to embrace me with a smile

And when I'm upset and alone at night
Unable to fall asleep because I can't stop the tears
He is readily on-call to come at my request
And gently whisper his love into my ear

I don't comprehend his ability
To see past the mess in my life
He keeps reassuring me of his role
To simply love me for the rest of my life

And sometimes I feel so overwhelmed
Because I never paid attention before
...never realized how much he knew about me
And how he longs to have me more

I can't believe I never realized
How much he truly loves me...
So much that he gave his own blood
To be sacrificed on calvary

And now I promise you God
That I will try to be the best I can be
I pledge my life, my love, and my body to you
...Because you first loved me

A SLAVE...and Proud to Be

I am a slave. And I am proud to be a slave. I will venture as far to say, that I am a slave willingly. Wait....whoa whoa whoa. Run that back. A willing slave? Can that even exist? As oxymoronic as the term 'willing slave' sounds, I am here to share with you why I believe with everything in me that it is a complete honor to be...a slave.

It's 9.30.09 at approximately 7:15 p.m. The Youth Bible Study lesson is underway. It's supposed to be about the (Romans) Road to Salvation, but we have some interactive activities to do before we dive into the Word. We start off by showing the kids a slideshow presentation. 15 slides. All 15 slides have different images of Blacks in the olden days. All 15 slides show a different form of scarring, pain, and toil. All 15 slides are of Black slaves.

If you are reading this and you are Black, can you imagine what they had to go through? If you are reading this and you are not Black, can you imagine what they had to go through? All the beatings, floggings, lynchings, burnings, dismemberings...all for us (Black people) to have one thing - freedom. It makes me grateful. It makes me appreciative. It makes me want to do all that I can to pay it back. In my heart, I know that I (we as a people) owe them so much for enduring so much pain, so that I may live my life to the fullest enjoyment free of the burdens of the past.

Fast forward. It's 7:31 p.m. We watch the scene of Jesus' crucifixion from The Passion of the Christ. We watch as Jesus is beaten, whipped, taunted, spat upon, kicked, and degraded. We watch as Jesus is pierced and nailed to the cross....never saying a mumbling word. All because he was sent, to bear our sins.

If you are reading this, and you are a Christian, can you imagine what Jesus had to go through? If you are reading this, and you are not a Christian, do you know what Jesus went through? All of the beating, flogging, whipping, pain, suffering....all for us (everyone who believes in him) to have one thing - eternal life. It makes me more than grateful, it makes my heart weep with sadness because Jesus shouldn't have had to endure the cross and bear my sins, but it also gives me great joy. After all Jesus came, so that I could have life and have it more abundantly.

Fast forward. It's 7:43 p.m. The kids start an open dialogue about how seeing the images of our ancestors made them feel. We discuss how picturing our grandmothers and grandfathers being beaten would make us feel. Beaten so that our parents could make a better life for us. It brings some of us to tears....I mean can you really picture in your mind: your own grandma being whipped over and over just for being Black...My heart aches to even fathom someone laying a hand on my grandma. With tears forming, droplets falling past the eyelids, kids are starting to realize how much deeper what Jesus did for us really is. We are all instantly overcome with emotions...spirits filled with His presence....totally in love with God. God did us the greatest favor by sending the ultimate sacrifice, the blameless, sinless Son of Man, to bear all of our vices, shortcomings, and sins....Jesus paid it all. So, why would we not live for him? Why would we not be proud of being a Christian? Why would we ever hesitate to share the good news with other people who may or may not be saved? How could we, knowing what Jesus did, ever be ashamed or unwilling to 'take up the cross and follow him'?


As for me...I lovingly, graciously, blessedly, humbly accept the call to Christianity and discipleship....because you know what? It didn't have to be me. It didn't have to be me that was raised in the Church. It didn't have to be me that came from a long line of God fearing men and women. But, most importantly, Jesus didn't have to die for me (for us) - yet He did...So, for that reason, I am God's willing and eager servant...ready and excited to go anywhere and say anything for His glory and to help in the effort of salvation of the lost....extremely honored to be a slave....God's slave...and proud to be.

An Instant of Selfishness.

I never really considered myself to be a selfish person...but then again, before tonight, I guess I had never given it substantial thought. Tonight, I've been humbled yet again...and not at an easy cost.

You know how sometimes you can want something so bad that you soon find yourself with tunnel vision (perhaps without realizing it)? I found myself wanting to spend time with one of my friends today. We hadn't kicked it in a good while, and we had agreed we would try to hang out this weekend. I knew that my weekend would be rather relaxing, but still I looked forward to chill time with a good friend.

By the time 9 o'clock p.m. rolled around, and still no word...I became a little agitated. I had been looking forward to fellowshipping...clearly, I spend a lot of time on my own these days. Anyway, I tried to remain patient, but still my frustate-o-meter was rising ever so slightly with the progression of time.

Then, bam...I got the the text saying 'I won't be able to hang out, my Sister isn't responding.' My friend, whose Sister was in the hospital, now had way more to be thinking about than merely hanging out with me. I felt so bad. Why hadn't I considered all of this before? I had known that she was in the hospital. I had known that the family had come down to be with her. I had known that it wasn't anything minor...that she was seriously sick. But still, I was concerned with hanging out, socializing...only concerned about me and my time.

The cold realization that I would be devastated if my Brother was in the hospital, let alone maybe even going on to be with the Lord, made me sick to my stomach. And here I am texting to find out when we would be hanging out....as I so often say, WHO DOES THAT?

Rite about now, I feel slightly embarrassed. I didn't realize that I could be the least bit self-absorbed. I mean, I know we all have our moments...but goodness, am I slipping? I am resolving to always consider others before myself at all costs now. My Pastor always says in order to have JOY you must use J.O.Y. That means keeping Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last...I guess that is a strategy I will have to employ much, much more in my life.

Final thought...if you haven't given much thought to being selfish, chances are you need to think about self less and become more selfless. Even the tiniest bit of being more concerned for yourself, if only for a moment, can make you lose sight of giving a second measure of concern for the welfare of others. I'm not saying that its not okay to never think about your own wants and needs, but just make sure that if other people are involved, that you think about their wants and needs just as much as, more than, or even before your own....an instant of selfishness, could be at the cost of someone else's life.

Unmistakably, Inevitably…

While you consider in wonderment
The very desire which you’ve prayed for most
I watch patiently smiling
Instead of attempting to boast

As you continue pressing pause
Keeping your efforts deliberately stalled
I stand, as a pillar of faith
Because my name has already been called

In the midst of your clouded thoughts
Over-analyzed judgements and decisions
I press onward
Never losing sight of the vision

While you silently self-assess
Bracing yourself, building up your nerve
I meditate on what I already know
As promised in God’s Word

As you prepare yourself
Always staying on guard
I continue loving
And opening my heart

In the midst of waiting on your sign
My confirmation has already come true
And all that I’ve waited for
Is unmistakably, inevitably…you.

I Took an 'L' For God...

I begin tonight's blog with a long exhale....sighing, gathering my thoughts, and praying all in one breath. Somehow finding solace in my momentary prayer and deep draw of oxygen, I share with you a lesson that I've learned.

If there's one thing I know, after 25 years of living, it is that the devil never sleeps. Don't mistake this statement to mean that I think he is more aware than God, because God is omnipresent and omniscient! Ever present and all knowing! But that devil...oh he works hard to make us falter. That devil...oh he works overtime when there is a good work going on in the name of the Lord! Today, I must admit that he almost got me for the okie-doke.

Tonight was another Youth Bible Study night. I had the lesson all planned out. I had a new structure and incentives laid out to make the lesson more fun, interactive, and appealing to my wonderfully apathetic tween/teenage boys and girls. So, I begin the lesson, and the children were actually being very attentive and quiet...I thought to myself "Wow, they are actually behaving themselves." Instantly, I relaxed myself (I was a little all over the place from a long day at work) and set in for a comfortable lesson about relying and trusting in God (Proverbs 3:4-5). In that second..in that solitary decision to not be on my absolute p's and q's...the devil found his way into the lesson. The moment I was lulled into a false sense of security that the devil so frequently uses to fake us into his snares, he attacked! The kids began to act terribly! The attitude shift in the room took a dramatic turn for the worst. Kids began back talking, yelling at one another, hitting one another, laughing, playing, etc (all the things you KNOW you wouldve gotten a whoopin for)....

Soon enough, I had lost my patience. I had lost my resolve. I had forgotten the reason that I was even there in the first place. I became frustrated. Frustration led to irritation. Irritation soon blossomed into full on disdain! Instead of reprimanding the class, I dismissed them in anger. I didn't stand there and be the example of a leader that I should have been. I didn't react in a manner in which I felt was the most Godly. I did the exact opposite of what the lesson was about, further discrediting my witness as a good Christian. I so took an 'L' for God.

I left the church feeling slightly defeated and highly heated. How could they be so rude? So blatantly disrespectful? How could they not see the sacrifice of those who want them to have a good relationship with God?....The minute that thought entered into my mind, tears stung my eyes. Not because I was upset with them, but because I was upset with me. The key word was sacrifice. God sent His Son, sacrificed Him...for us, so that we may have life...so that we could be saved...so that we could make it to Heaven one day. My time spent with the children wasnt for me...but it was for God. I wasn't sacrificing my time for me...I was doing it for God. In my anger, I had lost sight of that. All I could think about was how ungrateful the kids were acting, but really I should have been looking at myself. If I wanted to inspire spiritual change among the children, then I needed to be the change....and I failed. I failed them..and I almsot failed God. I almost let the devil rejoice in victory because the lesson I was trying to teach didn't go as planned. But I take back the victory in the name of God because I know that next time I will deal with the children differently. I will trust that God see's my efforts and will see me through. I will know that the only thing that matters is that God is love, and that is the image that I should mirror as a spiritual leader for the Youth.

So...yeh, I took an 'L' for God tonight. But it wasn't a Loss. It could have been...especially if I had let the devil get the best of me. Instead, I took a Lesson for God. My lesson was in Love. Because He loves me, He saved me..and He continues to save me everyday of my life. It is because of this, that I love God with all of my heart, and I will be back next wednesday to teach the kids another lesson, so that their love for Him can grow as well....

To Know = To Love??? That is the question....

Isn't it funny how working with kids can lead to the most thought provoking conversations sometimes? I am finding more and more that something in their limited life experience, naive mindsets, and sheltered environments allows their minds to not be as fogged with jaded memories, broken promises, and empty dreams....anyway, I digress.

The subject for now is Knowing vs. Loving. Just the other day, I was trying to think of a keynote message to add to my google profile (yes, I'm googleable lol). I wanted to make it brief yet profound...so I settled upon saying, "To know me is to love me." In all of my interwoven idiosyncracies and confusing complexities, it is my honest opinion that if you truly know me, then you also love me.

Tonight during Youth Bible Study, I was talking to the kids (ages 12 to 16) about getting to know God better. The verse came from James 4:8 (Draw near to the Lord, and He will draw near to you). The basis of tonight's lesson was learning about the different traits or aspects of God so that we may know Him more intimately. We talked about the different names that God is called, such as Provider, Comforter, Healer, Father, Friend, Hiding Place. We discussed how we must challenge ourselves to come to know God in these areas so that can become closer to Him.

Toward the end of the lesson, we started talking about God and what we had learned tonight....the question was brought up 'Can you really love someone without knowing them?' I decided to let the kids divide up and debate the subject before discussing my opinion with them. Clearly, in the Bible it tells us to love our neighbors as well as our enemies. So I would say the proper answer to that question is yes. But have you really thought about that question?

To Know = To Love?? Think about someone loving you. Can they really love you without knowing you? What about loving someone else. Can you love someone else without knowing them??

So let's take it to another level. Can you love God, without knowing Him?? Can you really love Him if you have no clue who God is in your life...other than that He created the universe and everything in it?? I challenge each of us to ponder this question and really evaluate if we know God and love God...

As for me, I feel that there are levels to knowing God. For instance, when I was child or just younger in general, I only knew certain things of God. I realized that He watched over me and my family and kept me alive. I understood that He sent His son to die for our sins. And I knew to thank Him for my blessings...and for that, I loved Him. But now, after living more and growing more, I can say that my love for God has grown 10 times over...my love for Him has grown immensely because I've come to experience God in so many other ways. I know now how to thank Him/praise Him in the midst of troubles or triumphs. I know now how to reach out to Him when there's no one else AND when there's a plethora of other people around. I know now how to pray for His guidance even when I really dont want it (lol). I know now how to pray for Gods will instead of my own. I have come to trust and know God so much more deeply now. Not only is He my Friend, but also my Comforter, my Provider, my Redeemer, my Hiding Place, my Strong Tower, my Hope, my Savior, and my Father. So, for that...I know now that I love God much more...more deeply and intimately than I ever have before.

For me to Know IS to Love. What about you??

Yes, times have changed but some things still remain..

As a 14 hour work day winds down, I sit here in the sunlight contemplating on how my ancestors would feel if it were them sitting here instead of me...

Across the street, I see a group of four middle-aged, white men. They stand huddled up, decked out in their workforce boots and hard hats. To go with their matching gear is that 'good old' boy mentality...the kind that silently elevate and separate themselves from anyone or anything not associated with the Jim Crow south...Yes, times have changed, but some things still remain...

As I continue to sit here...watching and observing this unspoken fraternity of white men, I turn my head just in time to catch a glimpse of my boss walking by me. She's headed out for a quick bite and will be back in time to end our shift. As I watch her saunter across the street towards the aformentioned league of unextraordinary gentlemen, I think to myself how much I admire and respect this woman. In a world full of men, an industry dominated by conservative, chauvenistic ideals, she has somehow managed to make it to the top...into and under the white sheets of that circle of trust. Still, I wonder why she doesn't see my desire to accompany her...to pay homage while gaining valuable insight into staking my claim in this man's world that we call the workplace...Yes, times have changed, but some things still remain...

As the small crowd across the street disperses, I realize that inspite of the education I received, my desire to make my mark on the engineering world, and/or my motivation to succeed in doing my best...I am still only seen, judged, and typecast as 'that Black girl that sits upstairs.'

Day in and day out, I come to work to be met with dumbfounded stares and sinister plans...arrogant smirks and smug remarks...reminded constantly that this is their territory, code for white women allowed and no Black woman can cuz this is white man's land.

As lonely and life draining as this situation can be, I know I must continue on in this Christian race (as we all must), knowing that the race was not given to the swift. Regardless of how many times I may stumble...how many times someone tries to set me up to fail...I must press on toward the higher calling.

I may be young, but I was not born in a barn, nor I was born yesterday, and if it's one thing I know, is that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy..BUT God sent His son so that we may have life and have it more abundantly. So for now, I remember the fight my ancestors undertook so that I could be here - S.R.H., young, Black Electrical Engineer...And it is because of them, that I am able to bear it and smile in the face of my enemies (because one day they will be my foot stools lol!)...I will even count it all joy because I too am paving the way for a positive future for Black youths...

Yes, some things change, but I WILL REMAIN...'And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart' Galatians 6:9