A SLAVE...and Proud to Be

I am a slave. And I am proud to be a slave. I will venture as far to say, that I am a slave willingly. Wait....whoa whoa whoa. Run that back. A willing slave? Can that even exist? As oxymoronic as the term 'willing slave' sounds, I am here to share with you why I believe with everything in me that it is a complete honor to be...a slave.

It's 9.30.09 at approximately 7:15 p.m. The Youth Bible Study lesson is underway. It's supposed to be about the (Romans) Road to Salvation, but we have some interactive activities to do before we dive into the Word. We start off by showing the kids a slideshow presentation. 15 slides. All 15 slides have different images of Blacks in the olden days. All 15 slides show a different form of scarring, pain, and toil. All 15 slides are of Black slaves.

If you are reading this and you are Black, can you imagine what they had to go through? If you are reading this and you are not Black, can you imagine what they had to go through? All the beatings, floggings, lynchings, burnings, dismemberings...all for us (Black people) to have one thing - freedom. It makes me grateful. It makes me appreciative. It makes me want to do all that I can to pay it back. In my heart, I know that I (we as a people) owe them so much for enduring so much pain, so that I may live my life to the fullest enjoyment free of the burdens of the past.

Fast forward. It's 7:31 p.m. We watch the scene of Jesus' crucifixion from The Passion of the Christ. We watch as Jesus is beaten, whipped, taunted, spat upon, kicked, and degraded. We watch as Jesus is pierced and nailed to the cross....never saying a mumbling word. All because he was sent, to bear our sins.

If you are reading this, and you are a Christian, can you imagine what Jesus had to go through? If you are reading this, and you are not a Christian, do you know what Jesus went through? All of the beating, flogging, whipping, pain, suffering....all for us (everyone who believes in him) to have one thing - eternal life. It makes me more than grateful, it makes my heart weep with sadness because Jesus shouldn't have had to endure the cross and bear my sins, but it also gives me great joy. After all Jesus came, so that I could have life and have it more abundantly.

Fast forward. It's 7:43 p.m. The kids start an open dialogue about how seeing the images of our ancestors made them feel. We discuss how picturing our grandmothers and grandfathers being beaten would make us feel. Beaten so that our parents could make a better life for us. It brings some of us to tears....I mean can you really picture in your mind: your own grandma being whipped over and over just for being Black...My heart aches to even fathom someone laying a hand on my grandma. With tears forming, droplets falling past the eyelids, kids are starting to realize how much deeper what Jesus did for us really is. We are all instantly overcome with emotions...spirits filled with His presence....totally in love with God. God did us the greatest favor by sending the ultimate sacrifice, the blameless, sinless Son of Man, to bear all of our vices, shortcomings, and sins....Jesus paid it all. So, why would we not live for him? Why would we not be proud of being a Christian? Why would we ever hesitate to share the good news with other people who may or may not be saved? How could we, knowing what Jesus did, ever be ashamed or unwilling to 'take up the cross and follow him'?


As for me...I lovingly, graciously, blessedly, humbly accept the call to Christianity and discipleship....because you know what? It didn't have to be me. It didn't have to be me that was raised in the Church. It didn't have to be me that came from a long line of God fearing men and women. But, most importantly, Jesus didn't have to die for me (for us) - yet He did...So, for that reason, I am God's willing and eager servant...ready and excited to go anywhere and say anything for His glory and to help in the effort of salvation of the lost....extremely honored to be a slave....God's slave...and proud to be.

I Took an 'L' For God...

I begin tonight's blog with a long exhale....sighing, gathering my thoughts, and praying all in one breath. Somehow finding solace in my momentary prayer and deep draw of oxygen, I share with you a lesson that I've learned.

If there's one thing I know, after 25 years of living, it is that the devil never sleeps. Don't mistake this statement to mean that I think he is more aware than God, because God is omnipresent and omniscient! Ever present and all knowing! But that devil...oh he works hard to make us falter. That devil...oh he works overtime when there is a good work going on in the name of the Lord! Today, I must admit that he almost got me for the okie-doke.

Tonight was another Youth Bible Study night. I had the lesson all planned out. I had a new structure and incentives laid out to make the lesson more fun, interactive, and appealing to my wonderfully apathetic tween/teenage boys and girls. So, I begin the lesson, and the children were actually being very attentive and quiet...I thought to myself "Wow, they are actually behaving themselves." Instantly, I relaxed myself (I was a little all over the place from a long day at work) and set in for a comfortable lesson about relying and trusting in God (Proverbs 3:4-5). In that second..in that solitary decision to not be on my absolute p's and q's...the devil found his way into the lesson. The moment I was lulled into a false sense of security that the devil so frequently uses to fake us into his snares, he attacked! The kids began to act terribly! The attitude shift in the room took a dramatic turn for the worst. Kids began back talking, yelling at one another, hitting one another, laughing, playing, etc (all the things you KNOW you wouldve gotten a whoopin for)....

Soon enough, I had lost my patience. I had lost my resolve. I had forgotten the reason that I was even there in the first place. I became frustrated. Frustration led to irritation. Irritation soon blossomed into full on disdain! Instead of reprimanding the class, I dismissed them in anger. I didn't stand there and be the example of a leader that I should have been. I didn't react in a manner in which I felt was the most Godly. I did the exact opposite of what the lesson was about, further discrediting my witness as a good Christian. I so took an 'L' for God.

I left the church feeling slightly defeated and highly heated. How could they be so rude? So blatantly disrespectful? How could they not see the sacrifice of those who want them to have a good relationship with God?....The minute that thought entered into my mind, tears stung my eyes. Not because I was upset with them, but because I was upset with me. The key word was sacrifice. God sent His Son, sacrificed Him...for us, so that we may have life...so that we could be saved...so that we could make it to Heaven one day. My time spent with the children wasnt for me...but it was for God. I wasn't sacrificing my time for me...I was doing it for God. In my anger, I had lost sight of that. All I could think about was how ungrateful the kids were acting, but really I should have been looking at myself. If I wanted to inspire spiritual change among the children, then I needed to be the change....and I failed. I failed them..and I almsot failed God. I almost let the devil rejoice in victory because the lesson I was trying to teach didn't go as planned. But I take back the victory in the name of God because I know that next time I will deal with the children differently. I will trust that God see's my efforts and will see me through. I will know that the only thing that matters is that God is love, and that is the image that I should mirror as a spiritual leader for the Youth.

So...yeh, I took an 'L' for God tonight. But it wasn't a Loss. It could have been...especially if I had let the devil get the best of me. Instead, I took a Lesson for God. My lesson was in Love. Because He loves me, He saved me..and He continues to save me everyday of my life. It is because of this, that I love God with all of my heart, and I will be back next wednesday to teach the kids another lesson, so that their love for Him can grow as well....

To Know = To Love??? That is the question....

Isn't it funny how working with kids can lead to the most thought provoking conversations sometimes? I am finding more and more that something in their limited life experience, naive mindsets, and sheltered environments allows their minds to not be as fogged with jaded memories, broken promises, and empty dreams....anyway, I digress.

The subject for now is Knowing vs. Loving. Just the other day, I was trying to think of a keynote message to add to my google profile (yes, I'm googleable lol). I wanted to make it brief yet profound...so I settled upon saying, "To know me is to love me." In all of my interwoven idiosyncracies and confusing complexities, it is my honest opinion that if you truly know me, then you also love me.

Tonight during Youth Bible Study, I was talking to the kids (ages 12 to 16) about getting to know God better. The verse came from James 4:8 (Draw near to the Lord, and He will draw near to you). The basis of tonight's lesson was learning about the different traits or aspects of God so that we may know Him more intimately. We talked about the different names that God is called, such as Provider, Comforter, Healer, Father, Friend, Hiding Place. We discussed how we must challenge ourselves to come to know God in these areas so that can become closer to Him.

Toward the end of the lesson, we started talking about God and what we had learned tonight....the question was brought up 'Can you really love someone without knowing them?' I decided to let the kids divide up and debate the subject before discussing my opinion with them. Clearly, in the Bible it tells us to love our neighbors as well as our enemies. So I would say the proper answer to that question is yes. But have you really thought about that question?

To Know = To Love?? Think about someone loving you. Can they really love you without knowing you? What about loving someone else. Can you love someone else without knowing them??

So let's take it to another level. Can you love God, without knowing Him?? Can you really love Him if you have no clue who God is in your life...other than that He created the universe and everything in it?? I challenge each of us to ponder this question and really evaluate if we know God and love God...

As for me, I feel that there are levels to knowing God. For instance, when I was child or just younger in general, I only knew certain things of God. I realized that He watched over me and my family and kept me alive. I understood that He sent His son to die for our sins. And I knew to thank Him for my blessings...and for that, I loved Him. But now, after living more and growing more, I can say that my love for God has grown 10 times over...my love for Him has grown immensely because I've come to experience God in so many other ways. I know now how to thank Him/praise Him in the midst of troubles or triumphs. I know now how to reach out to Him when there's no one else AND when there's a plethora of other people around. I know now how to pray for His guidance even when I really dont want it (lol). I know now how to pray for Gods will instead of my own. I have come to trust and know God so much more deeply now. Not only is He my Friend, but also my Comforter, my Provider, my Redeemer, my Hiding Place, my Strong Tower, my Hope, my Savior, and my Father. So, for that...I know now that I love God much more...more deeply and intimately than I ever have before.

For me to Know IS to Love. What about you??

Yes, times have changed but some things still remain..

As a 14 hour work day winds down, I sit here in the sunlight contemplating on how my ancestors would feel if it were them sitting here instead of me...

Across the street, I see a group of four middle-aged, white men. They stand huddled up, decked out in their workforce boots and hard hats. To go with their matching gear is that 'good old' boy mentality...the kind that silently elevate and separate themselves from anyone or anything not associated with the Jim Crow south...Yes, times have changed, but some things still remain...

As I continue to sit here...watching and observing this unspoken fraternity of white men, I turn my head just in time to catch a glimpse of my boss walking by me. She's headed out for a quick bite and will be back in time to end our shift. As I watch her saunter across the street towards the aformentioned league of unextraordinary gentlemen, I think to myself how much I admire and respect this woman. In a world full of men, an industry dominated by conservative, chauvenistic ideals, she has somehow managed to make it to the top...into and under the white sheets of that circle of trust. Still, I wonder why she doesn't see my desire to accompany her...to pay homage while gaining valuable insight into staking my claim in this man's world that we call the workplace...Yes, times have changed, but some things still remain...

As the small crowd across the street disperses, I realize that inspite of the education I received, my desire to make my mark on the engineering world, and/or my motivation to succeed in doing my best...I am still only seen, judged, and typecast as 'that Black girl that sits upstairs.'

Day in and day out, I come to work to be met with dumbfounded stares and sinister plans...arrogant smirks and smug remarks...reminded constantly that this is their territory, code for white women allowed and no Black woman can cuz this is white man's land.

As lonely and life draining as this situation can be, I know I must continue on in this Christian race (as we all must), knowing that the race was not given to the swift. Regardless of how many times I may stumble...how many times someone tries to set me up to fail...I must press on toward the higher calling.

I may be young, but I was not born in a barn, nor I was born yesterday, and if it's one thing I know, is that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy..BUT God sent His son so that we may have life and have it more abundantly. So for now, I remember the fight my ancestors undertook so that I could be here - S.R.H., young, Black Electrical Engineer...And it is because of them, that I am able to bear it and smile in the face of my enemies (because one day they will be my foot stools lol!)...I will even count it all joy because I too am paving the way for a positive future for Black youths...

Yes, some things change, but I WILL REMAIN...'And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart' Galatians 6:9

Life can be soo funny, especially when it's God who is doin' the ticklin'

Man...it has truly been a long week and I'm glad to see another Thursday-almost-time-for-the-weekend roll around. My conference paper is nearly finished; however, there has been a fair amount of sacrificing sleep to gain victory over this paper submission. Nonetheless, pressing onward through clouded, lethargic thoughts and tired, dry eyes, I feel compelled to share with you my triumphs for the day...

Since January 2008, I have been serving in the role of Youth Director at my church. Its been challenging, trying, and tiring to say the least. I met with my Pastor this week after confronting feelings of self-doubt and failure. I felt my attempts of making a change in the teens at my church and impacting their lives were futile and worthless.

I became so down on myself for not doing more, trying harder...and I felt most of all that I had let the teens down. For once, in an area where grades are not the deciding factor or proficiency scale, I felt that I had truly failed. My Pastor assured me, however, that this was surely not the case. After all, we had accomplished some great things thus far..youth retreats, regularly scheduled meetings, parent support, etc...all things we didn't have previously. Still, I left our meeting with a solen face, dampened spirit, and dejected attitude. I knew that this week's youth meeting may be lacking in attendance because of summer break and even I had to motivate myself to prepare the lesson to be discussed.

6:30 p.m. rolls around, and my suspicions are correct: 3 teens out of 12 are in attendance. 'This is okay,' I tried reassuring myself, but I almost couldn't help but feel this was a direct result of my inability to excite the youth about the meetings and growing in the Word. Despite my feelings, I pressed on. We discussed in depth the meaning of true love and how we as Christians should function within love (1 Corinthians 13:1-8,13; Romans 12:9-19; Matthew 22:37; and 2 Timothy 3:1-5 if you'd like to cross reference) at all times. We ended our discussion with a debate on love vs. hate: which emotion is most powerful? Seems simple enough right? Well in trying to administer the lesson the teens, I was school myself...resulting in my small but very meaningful triumphs for the day.

Triumph 1: In the debates, we (a co-director and I) were on the side arguing for hate being the most powerful, and the 3 teens were on the team arguing for love. The debate was heated and fueled with very strong arguments as to why love is more powerful then hate. The teens had an answer/rebuttal for everyone of our arguments based off of some principle we went over today. Not only did they understand the lesson, but they knew how to effectively apply it and trump our attempts to say hate was more powerful than love. This (to others) may seem small...but to me, someone who has seen them disinterested, unattentive, and lacking in cunning when it comes to debates, this is HUGE! They actually out debated the youth directors, people who are 10+ years their senior! I was sooo pleased.

Triumph 2: After the meeting was over, two of my most troubling teens said that they loved the meeting and can't wait until the next. I was floored. The last meeting we held, one girl told me she didn't ever want to come back and hated being there. What a change! To go from complete disdain to utter adorance and excitement! What a miracle!

Triumph 3: After the meeting was over, I stayed and had a little an 'after-meeting' (lol, kinda like after the party is the after party...after the meeting is the after meeting and after the meeting it church's lobby...wow this is delirium trying to rob me of justifiable humor). Myself, a teen, and her mother began talking about the lesson and something in my spirit told me to pour into her something that I had experienced. I told her she didn't have to experience that and to really reflect on today's lesson. She then told me that the lesson today was so on-point that she knew that it could only be God working in her life. She also told me that every last meeting she's been to, I've always provided her valuable insight on an issue she had been dealing with that week. Lastly, she said verbatim (this is the clencher that warmed my heart, kindled my soul, and eased my spirit): "Everytime you come to teach us a lesson, you affect me or help me in some way. I hope you don't ever think that you are not making a difference here because I can say that you've at least helped me when I needed it the most."

....Ladies and gentlemen, my point is obvious. Never think that because you are not pulling off some grandiose, larger-than-life plan that you are not making a difference to someone somewhere. I thought that my attempts were weak and unaffecting when in all actuality they were probably stronger than I could have ever imagined. In all our insecurities, thoughts of insignificance, and feelings of inability we must remember that you can always make a difference. Rather than try to quantify how much of an impact you are making/want to make, focus on the service itself. I could go on in my life to be given accolades or monetary rewards for good works...but I can honestly say that just hearing that child tell me that I mattered to her because I helped her is worth more to me than any compensation could ever offer.

Final thoughts: Even in our most insecure moments, to someone we make a difference, somewhere we matter, at sometime we inspire change. Never let your accomplishments be the deciding factor of your self-worth. Material accomplishments or lack there of, always seemingly outweigh our unseen, inner virtues, and, for this reason, accomplishments are easily misconstrued to be the perfect litmus paper to act as the indicators of the level of our worth. But our worth is not measured by anything tangible. Instead, find your worth in the smiles of those you've served, the hugs of those you've warranted through a heartfelt conversation, and the words of appreciation from those you've encouraged.

Now, I retreat to my humble abode, thanking God for His presence and His everlasting ability to reveal to us our worth even when we don't see it for ourselves...thanks to all, and to all a goodnight.

p.s. Triumph 3.5: I got an invite from that family to come over and get a home-cooked meal next week! Free food = PRAISE THE LORD!!

Giving It Your Best...Not Just What's Left

Hmm...where to start today. I'm in my go-getter mind frame right about now (after writing the first draft of a technical paper I'll be presenting at the end of the summer in Vegas at an Engineering conference). Yes, its definitely about 6 in the a.m., so if the following post seems like stream of consciousness, well then adjust your mind and follow...you need a challenge anyway.

So, with that said. I've been contemplating my lackadaisacal, non-chalant, borderline-lazy attitude lately. I know, as well as all my close friends and fam, that I am in a high-stress situation in which I must hustle (yeh, that's right hustle) to finish my thesis before starting my new job errrhh..scratch that, my new CAREER. However, this urgent need to finish has been met only by a considerable amount of resistance on my part which is a bit out of my character because I've always been the type to 'Make It Happen' <-- shout owt to Spring 05 Unsolved Mysteries. So after much thought, contemplation, and procrastination (told yall I wasn't on top of it)...I've reached some much needed conclusions.

I understand, now more than ever, that I, as a black woman, and we, as black people, can never take any moments forgranted in life. When are ancestors were taken from the motherland and sold into slavery, we were bred into a life of effort and hard work (whether we liked it or not). But somewhere along the way we've become okay with status quo, complacent in mediocrity, and lax in our lazy stances. This is completely unacceptable. Its effecting us everywhere too. I am not just referring to deadbeats who are jobless and/or carless with no aspirations to move forward in their lives. No, I'm talking about those of us in college who end up with Bs and Cs all because we didn't go to class or office hours due to our schedules of extra-curricular activities (parties), greek life, boyfriend/girlfriend...what have you. I'm talking about those of us who wait to do our hw or work for our job until the night before the deadline, and perhaps will even turn it in late while giving a faulty, half-true excuse as to why it wasn't on time. I'm talking about all of us who have not been giving it your honest best, but instead just been giving it what's left after you've went out, kicked it, watched tv, talked to your best friend on the phone, got some food, and took a nap that turned into a 5 hour hibernation. What are we doing black folk?? Who are we kidding? Who are we benefitting? I'll tell you whose cause we are not furthering, and that is our OWN! Around every corner, waits someone, some hater, ready to take your spot, see you fail, or aid in your demise.

Its time to stop shrinking from the grand responsibility we have to ourselves and to one another to be great in all aspects of our lives and to lift as we climb. We are not obligated to live in the stereotypical shadow that has been written for us by people of a different melanin level. I'm reminded of the age old question 'If not us, who? If not now, when?' As a Delta Sigma Theta Honorary Past National President once said (paraphrase): This is not a dress rehearsal. We don't have time for play, for games, for practicing half speed. We have more talent, intelligence, and power than we know and use...and our time is NOW.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of just getting by rather than getting what my potential could earn me! It's time we all step up and start doing what's right instead of giving what's left. My new motto for the rest of the summer (courtesy Whitnee Pleasant who adopted the phrase from Transfomers) is: No Sacrifice, No Victory. I've won half the battle by admitting I had a problem...those of you who are also members of Procrastinators Anonymous, welcome! From this point on, I will sacrifice what I have to, to get where I need to go and everything that God wants for me! I will be victorious in the end, I will have my Thesis, my dream job, and the determination to keep my eyes on the prize. In short, I leave you with a few quotes that help get me through when I need motivation

"They that wait upon the Lord, He shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." Frederick Douglass

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fearis that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous?Actually who are we not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small doesn't serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other peoplewon't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine as children do.We were born to make manifestthe glory of God that is within us.It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.And when we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

Now swallow that for some morning soul food...good day