Man...it has truly been a long week and I'm glad to see another Thursday-almost-time-for-the-weekend roll around. My conference paper is nearly finished; however, there has been a fair amount of sacrificing sleep to gain victory over this paper submission. Nonetheless, pressing onward through clouded, lethargic thoughts and tired, dry eyes, I feel compelled to share with you my triumphs for the day...
Since January 2008, I have been serving in the role of Youth Director at my church. Its been challenging, trying, and tiring to say the least. I met with my Pastor this week after confronting feelings of self-doubt and failure. I felt my attempts of making a change in the teens at my church and impacting their lives were futile and worthless.
I became so down on myself for not doing more, trying harder...and I felt most of all that I had let the teens down. For once, in an area where grades are not the deciding factor or proficiency scale, I felt that I had truly failed. My Pastor assured me, however, that this was surely not the case. After all, we had accomplished some great things thus far..youth retreats, regularly scheduled meetings, parent support, etc...all things we didn't have previously. Still, I left our meeting with a solen face, dampened spirit, and dejected attitude. I knew that this week's youth meeting may be lacking in attendance because of summer break and even I had to motivate myself to prepare the lesson to be discussed.
6:30 p.m. rolls around, and my suspicions are correct: 3 teens out of 12 are in attendance. 'This is okay,' I tried reassuring myself, but I almost couldn't help but feel this was a direct result of my inability to excite the youth about the meetings and growing in the Word. Despite my feelings, I pressed on. We discussed in depth the meaning of true love and how we as Christians should function within love (1 Corinthians 13:1-8,13; Romans 12:9-19; Matthew 22:37; and 2 Timothy 3:1-5 if you'd like to cross reference) at all times. We ended our discussion with a debate on love vs. hate: which emotion is most powerful? Seems simple enough right? Well in trying to administer the lesson the teens, I was school myself...resulting in my small but very meaningful triumphs for the day.
Triumph 1: In the debates, we (a co-director and I) were on the side arguing for hate being the most powerful, and the 3 teens were on the team arguing for love. The debate was heated and fueled with very strong arguments as to why love is more powerful then hate. The teens had an answer/rebuttal for everyone of our arguments based off of some principle we went over today. Not only did they understand the lesson, but they knew how to effectively apply it and trump our attempts to say hate was more powerful than love. This (to others) may seem small...but to me, someone who has seen them disinterested, unattentive, and lacking in cunning when it comes to debates, this is HUGE! They actually out debated the youth directors, people who are 10+ years their senior! I was sooo pleased.
Triumph 2: After the meeting was over, two of my most troubling teens said that they loved the meeting and can't wait until the next. I was floored. The last meeting we held, one girl told me she didn't ever want to come back and hated being there. What a change! To go from complete disdain to utter adorance and excitement! What a miracle!
Triumph 3: After the meeting was over, I stayed and had a little an 'after-meeting' (lol, kinda like after the party is the after party...after the meeting is the after meeting and after the meeting it church's lobby...wow this is delirium trying to rob me of justifiable humor). Myself, a teen, and her mother began talking about the lesson and something in my spirit told me to pour into her something that I had experienced. I told her she didn't have to experience that and to really reflect on today's lesson. She then told me that the lesson today was so on-point that she knew that it could only be God working in her life. She also told me that every last meeting she's been to, I've always provided her valuable insight on an issue she had been dealing with that week. Lastly, she said verbatim (this is the clencher that warmed my heart, kindled my soul, and eased my spirit): "Everytime you come to teach us a lesson, you affect me or help me in some way. I hope you don't ever think that you are not making a difference here because I can say that you've at least helped me when I needed it the most."
....Ladies and gentlemen, my point is obvious. Never think that because you are not pulling off some grandiose, larger-than-life plan that you are not making a difference to someone somewhere. I thought that my attempts were weak and unaffecting when in all actuality they were probably stronger than I could have ever imagined. In all our insecurities, thoughts of insignificance, and feelings of inability we must remember that you can always make a difference. Rather than try to quantify how much of an impact you are making/want to make, focus on the service itself. I could go on in my life to be given accolades or monetary rewards for good works...but I can honestly say that just hearing that child tell me that I mattered to her because I helped her is worth more to me than any compensation could ever offer.
Final thoughts: Even in our most insecure moments, to someone we make a difference, somewhere we matter, at sometime we inspire change. Never let your accomplishments be the deciding factor of your self-worth. Material accomplishments or lack there of, always seemingly outweigh our unseen, inner virtues, and, for this reason, accomplishments are easily misconstrued to be the perfect litmus paper to act as the indicators of the level of our worth. But our worth is not measured by anything tangible. Instead, find your worth in the smiles of those you've served, the hugs of those you've warranted through a heartfelt conversation, and the words of appreciation from those you've encouraged.
Now, I retreat to my humble abode, thanking God for His presence and His everlasting ability to reveal to us our worth even when we don't see it for ourselves...thanks to all, and to all a goodnight.
p.s. Triumph 3.5: I got an invite from that family to come over and get a home-cooked meal next week! Free food = PRAISE THE LORD!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
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